


It's like a knife that cuts right through my soul

by Peralta_steinfeld



Category: Pitch Perfect (Movies)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-14
Updated: 2016-10-27
Packaged: 2018-08-22 09:29:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8280967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Peralta_steinfeld/pseuds/Peralta_steinfeld
Summary: The one where Chloe is oblivious, getting married, and happy and Beca is really, really hurting.Can the two of them get through the hurt, and obstacles to really be happy? Or will it be too hard to take that jump?





	1. Standing here right now is killing me, don’t you understand that?!

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this because obviously I like breaking my own heart. Let me know if you want this carried on or whatever, not too sure.

‘So, what’s going on? Why are we all here?’ Beca asked, as she looked at all of the Bellas sat around the table.

‘I have some news.’ Chloe grinned giddily at her friends.

Beca pouted slightly in confusion. ‘Are we still going to eat?’

Chloe rolled her eyes playfully. ‘After I’ve told you my news, yes.’

The Bellas looked at Chloe expectantly as she prepared to tell them all her news. The redhead put her hand on the table, showing off a shiny new ring.

‘I’m engaged.’

The Bellas screamed in excitement, getting up to hug her and tell her how beautiful the ring was. Except for Beca, who remained seated; her face stoic.

Her brain felt numb. _Engaged?_ Chloe is _engaged?_

‘Beca?’ Aubrey’s voice snapped her out of her thoughts. ‘Are you going to congratulate her or?’

‘Actually.’ Chloe said quickly before Beca could think of a response. ‘Beca I wanted to ask…would you be my maid of honour? As well as Aubrey of course.’

Beca looked up to meet Chloe’s eyes. Those blue fucking eyes. ‘I-I can’t.’

Beca herself couldn’t believe she’d just said that, let alone the rest of them. Chloe’s face crumpled, making the brunettes heart beat a little harder than it already had been.

‘But why?’ The redhead practically whispered.

‘Chloe, I- I just can’t do it. I’m sorry.’

Chloe shook her head angrily. ‘No. _No_ , I want a reason as to why one of my best friends in the entire fucking world won’t be there for me on my wedding day.’

Chloe swearing? This was bad. Really bad, but there was no way Beca could go back now, all of her feeling were rushing through her, and now all she could do was tell her.

‘Because holy shit Chlo, I’m in love with you, and it’s the scariest thing that has ever happened to me. I don’t know what to do with these stupid fucking feelings, and I just sometimes feel like I’m drowning and then you appear and suddenly I can smile a little easier but at the same time I can’t breathe because you’ve consumed all the air from my lungs.’ Beca took a deep breath, not finished with what she wanted to say.

‘Beca, I…’ Chloe started. ‘I didn’t even, and then with Tom and being around you with him I just-I didn’t think it would upset you.’

‘Upset me? Chlo, it fucking killed me. It kills me.’ Beca’s voice wavered as she said it, tears streaming down her face which she roughly wiped away with the backs of her hands. ‘I want you to be happy. I really do. I just didn’t know it was going to be so hard for me, which you know, it’s fine because I’d suffer for you any day, but there’s a part of me that knows it’s not okay and I need to learn to let you go.’

Chloe swallowed. ‘Beca please.’

‘Don’t you get it? It hurts too fucking much to watch you be with him.’ Beca all but shouted. ‘Standing here right now is killing me, don’t you understand that?!’

Chloe’s eyes were watering from hearing all of these things pour out of Beca’s mouth, from seeing her best friend in so much pain because of her. ‘Beca please, we can work it out okay? I need you.’

‘Chloe, I wish for nothing more than to be there for you, I swear to God I’d do anything to be able to do this.’ Beca tipped her heads back and sniffed, trying to force her tears to go away. ‘But if I do this it might just ruin me.’

The Bellas stood around the table, with absolutely no idea what to do to help the situation. They’d never seen Beca like this before, and to be honest; it broke their hearts.

Beca paused for a moment, and looked back at Chloe. ‘Being without you will kill me, but being there will kill me too. It’s unfair of me to ask you Chlo, but I need you to tell me if you want me there now or not? Because I will be there for you if you need me, but I just need you to understand what this is going to do to me.’

Chloe stood frozen to the spot, unable to say a word. Beca looked at her expectantly for a moment, before rocking on her heels, and nodding.

‘I’m sorry. I am really really fucking sorry Chloe.’ Beca grabbed her coat and left with tear streaks down her cheeks, without looking back.


	2. Everything is broken, including myself.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beca doesn't know what to do with herself after her brain let all of her 'stupid' feelings out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I know! It's still sad...but Beca and Chloe will talk soon I promise, just stay with me okay??   
> This fic is so full of angst oml...

 

She had rung Jesse as soon as she’d left the house, he didn’t even ask what was wrong but he could tell from her voice that something wasn’t right, and before she’d even asked for him to come and get her, he was putting his shoes on and grabbing his keys.

Beca spent the new few hours curled up crying on Jesse’s sofa; her phone turned off to shut out her friends who had been repeatedly calling and texting her.

Jesse didn’t ask her to tell him what was wrong, he knew to wait until she was ready to talk, but it was hard to watch his friend like this.

After another 20 minutes of flat out crying, it subsided to sniffling, and Beca wiping the tears off of her face.

‘I’m ready.’ Beca said quietly. ‘Like, to talk I guess.’

The boy turned to face Beca with concern in his eyes. ‘Okay’.

‘It’s erm, like it’s hard. I mean I feel like I’ve done my fair share of talking today and I suck at it, but I don’t know what else to do.’ She shrugged, her bottom lip trembling. ‘I need you to just tell it’s going to be okay. I need to feel like my whole world isn’t ending at this very moment.’

‘Bec.’ Jesse said softly, a sadness in his eyes. ‘You can tell me anything, you know that. And everything _is_ going to be okay.’

She nodded at her friend. ‘Chloe’s getting married.’

‘Oh.’

‘And I told her that I love her.’ Beca stopped and then chuckled. ‘Well, actually I told her I love her, and that it was killing me, and that seeing her with him was killing me so I can’t be at her wedding.’

Jesse took a deep breath. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘She told me she needed me.’ She ran her hands through her hair, eyes threatening to spill tears again. ‘And I’ve let her down again, because I was-because I _am_ hurting, and I didn’t even think about what it was doing to her. I can’t believe my brain betrayed me and told everyone my _stupid_ feelings.’

This sudden realisation hit Beca _hard_ , and she could feel her heart rate pick up a little in panic. She had let her best friend down.

‘Woah, hold on.’ Jesse snapped Beca out of her thoughts. ‘Beca, I know you feel like you’ve done something terrible, but you can’t keep doing this. You can’t suffer for everyone else’s benefit, and as much as it feels like a bad thing; you sometimes need to put yourself first.’

She shook her head gently. ‘But…I don’t know how to be without her? It’s like she’s such a massive part of my life, and I’ve ruined it all by falling in love with her.’

‘This doesn’t mean everything is over Becs.’ Jesse said softly. ‘Do you…should I text one of the others to let them know you’re safe?’

Beca nodded lightly. ‘Please.’

She sighed heavily, going through everything that had happened that day. She leant into Jesse, until she was comfortable with her head on his lap and his arms were around her. And she fell into a restless sleep remembering the look on Chloe’s face when she had told her.

_How can this not mean that everything is over when I feel like everything is broken, including myself?_


	3. Please don't run

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Realising that she can't ignore everyone forever, will Beca go and talk to Chloe?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oooo...updaaate! Trying to upload regularly if i can in between uni and all that boring mundane stuff as I have to actually adult and stuff..Thanks for reading! Stay tuned and I'm sure Chloe and Beca will have a real talk...;-)

A few hours after falling asleep, Beca woke up in a confused daze before suddenly remembering where she was and why she was here.

 _‘Fuck’_ She whispered, a wistful look on her face. ‘Tell me it was all just a dream?’

‘Sorry Becs.’ Jesse shrugged, he’d moved so she had the sofa to herself, a blanket had been placed over her.

She winced, sitting up and staring straight ahead. ‘Why would I even…why?’

Before Jesse could reply, a loud knock on the door startled the pair. Beca frowned, and pulled the blanket around her as Jesse went and opened it.

‘Where’s Beca?’ A voice that Beca recognised as Stacie’s asked.

Jesse shook his head. ‘She doesn’t want to see anyone.’

‘Please. I need to see her.’ The tall brunette begged, and then raised her voice slightly so Beca could hear her. ‘Beca, come on, please?’

Beca clenched her jaw. ‘I’m really not in the mood Stace.’

‘You need to speak to Chloe.’ She told her firmly.

‘I’ve said everything I need to say Stacie. You heard, what else is left for me to say?’ Beca had walked to the door by now, facing her friend. ‘I’ve ruined our friendship, I’ve embarrassed myself in front of all of you guys, there’s no coming back from this.’

Stacie sighed. ‘None of that is true smalls.’

Beca rolled her eyes are the response and the nickname. ‘It is, now if you don’t mind I’m going to binge watch a TV show with Jesse and pretend my life isn’t over.’

Stacie realised she wasn’t going to get anywhere with Beca right now so she shrugged. ‘Okay. I’ll see you soon Becs.’

Closing the door behind her, Beca dragged herself back to the sofa and wrapped the blanket back around her; watching Jesse put the TV on for distraction.

‘I just need to not think so a while okay?’ Beca said quietly. ‘Could we just have some dumb comedy on or something.’

‘Sure thing.’ Jesse replied tentatively.

_The next morning…_

‘Morning.’ Jesse greeted the worn out looking girl that had just entered the kitchen.

‘Coffee.’ Beca said, grabbing the cup he had made for her. ‘Thanks dude.’

‘No problem.’ He shrugged. ‘So, I was wondering…’

Beca raised an eyebrow.

‘Do you want me to take you home? I mean, either to go and work it all out, or just grab some things so you can stay here a few nights?’ Jesse asked cautiously. ‘I’m not saying you need to go, it’s just that the longer you wait to talk to them all…’

‘I know.’ She sighed heavily. ‘It’s just hard to even think about right now.’

‘Well, I can take you back and then you can decide?’

She nodded slowly. ‘Okay.’

_A couple hours later…_

Beca and Jesse sat in the car outside the Bella’s house. Beca had been trying to breathe but it turns out that it’s quite a hard thing to do when you’re freaking out.

‘It’ll be fine.’ Jesse said in an attempt to comfort the brunette.

Beca nodded, unsure of herself, and got out of the car, slowly making her way to the front door. Letting herself in, she took a deep breath and walked into the lounge.

‘Finally. We were worried about you Beca.’ Stacie said as soon as she had entered the room.

Beca looked around to see everyone but Chloe there.

She wasn’t sure whether to be relieved or upset.

‘Sorry.’ She said, looking at the floor.

‘How are you doing?’ She asked quietly.

Beca scoffed slightly. ‘You mean for someone who just lost her best friend, embarrassed herself in front of the rest of my friends and looks like an asshole for telling Chloe that I love her when she’s engaged? Yeah, I’m good.’

‘You haven’t lost me.’ A voice came from behind her.

Beca’s head turned so fast, her eyes took a second to focus on the redhead stood in front of her, eyes slightly red and puffy; matching Beca’s.

‘I-erm.’ Beca stuttered. ‘Chlo, I don’t know what to say to you.’

‘Me neither.’ Chloe smiled sadly. ‘But what I do know is that I don’t want to lose you okay? Please don’t run again Beca.’


	4. I'll miss you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back I'm back I'm back! I wanted to update sooner but I went home for the weekend, and let's just say there was alcohol involved...  
> Anyways, hope you like this chapter. Things are happening...

(Chloe’s POV – set just after Beca told her she loved her.)

 

_‘I’m sorry. I am really really fucking sorry Chloe.’_

Chloe stood in shock, not really sure what she was supposed to do or feel or…anything.

‘Chloe.’ Aubrey put a hand on her shoulder.

The redhead shook her head, face stoic. ‘I just need a minute.’

Leaving the rest of the bella’s downstairs, she shut herself in her bedroom, pacing up and down.

_How could this happen?_

_How could she not see it?_

_What do I do now?_

Chloe was killing herself thinking all these thoughts, but her brain was so loud right now and she wasn’t sure if anything could calm it down.

A quiet knock on the door, followed by Aubrey entering without waiting for Chloe to respond, had momentarily distracted the girl from her thoughts.

‘How are you doing?’ She asked cautiously. ‘Are you okay?’

‘I don’t know.’ Chloe responded honestly. ‘I just…I’m confus-I don’t understand?’

Aubrey sighed heavily. ‘I know.’

‘What do I do next?’ She frowned suddenly.

The blonde shrugged slightly. ‘Marry Tom? You love him right?’

‘Yeah, he’s-yeah.’ Chloe stammered. ‘He’s nice. He’s safe, and he’s there.’

Aubrey pinched the bridge of her nose and looked back at her friend. ‘But you love him right? Like, you _want_ to marry him because you love him? You _want_ this?’

Chloe looked away for a second, then back. ‘You know, I’m really tired, I think I’m going to have an early night.’

‘But Chlo-‘

‘Aubrey please, just, not right now.’ Chloe said, curling up in her bed.

‘Just one more thing okay?’ Aubrey didn’t pause long enough for Chloe to respond. ‘You waited for her, and if it’s too late then don’t ruin what you have with Tom for something that won’t work. But…all I want is for you to be happy.’

Aubrey dropped a kiss onto Chloe’s forehead and shut the door behind her, not hearing her friend crying, and laboured breath as she tried to keep it quiet.

\--- _Beca’s POV back to present_

‘Do you er- do you want to talk?’ Beca pulled at the bottom of her shirt, avoiding eye contact.

‘Yeah, sure..erm, let’s go upstairs.’ Chloe suggested, letting Beca follow her up the stairs and into Chloe’s bedroom, where the two sat a fair distance away from one another.

Beca fiddled with her hands for at least a minute before speaking. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘Why?’

‘I just, like, I’ve ruined everything.’ She shrugged. ‘I shouldn’t have told you when you’ve just got engaged, it was really unfair of me Chlo.’

The redhead shook her head. ‘You didn’t…it’s-it just makes things complicated and I just need to think about stuff. Maybe time apart could be good for us? I’m not saying I want to shut you out of my life, I promise. I’m not abandoning you. But we need space.’

Beca nodded slowly. ‘I’ll miss you.’

‘We will still see each other.’ Chloe smiled softly. 'It won't be for long, I can't go that long without you.'

‘It’s for the best right?’ Beca said quietly. ‘And then we’ll all be okay?’

‘We’re already okay Becs. We’re okay.’ She hugged the younger girl tightly. 


	5. You've got a hold on me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a terrible day so here's an update because I love you guys.  
> ALSO omg to Anna playing Never have I ever on Ellen, i've watched it like 40 times. HANDCUFFS?! RIP my soul.  
> I love her.  
> Hope you enjoy the chapter xox

‘You know, you’re allowed to wallow but there is a thing called ‘too much wallowing’.’ Stacie told Beca helpfully.

‘I’m not wallowing.’ She shrugged, pushing her headphones off of her ears so they rested around her neck.

The taller brunette rolled her eyes. ‘It’s been 3 weeks. Have you two spoken alone since?’

Beca shook her head, not looking up. Her and Chloe had hung out together but with the rest of the girls, they hadn’t spoken properly for a while, not like they used to.

‘Right. Well, you’re coming out with us tonight. Karaoke.’

‘Nuh uh.’

‘Chloe’s coming. Get dressed dork.’ Stacie threw a pillow at her, resulting in getting flipped off immediately.

Later that evening, Amy came into their room, checking Beca was ready.

‘Come on shortstack, we’re going.’ She threw her hands up in the air.

The brunette rolled her eyes and forced herself to leave the room, going downstairs to meet the others.

‘Let’s do this.’ She mumbled, noticing Chloe wasn’t here yet. Probably because she had been staying with Tom, or Aubrey? Not 100% certain, and she definitely didn’t want to think about it.

They found Chloe at the karaoke bar, buying a drink.

‘Hey.’ Beca greeted quietly.

Chloe smiled instantly, turning to look at the brunette. ‘Hey. You ready? I signed you up for after Stacie, and Amy.’

‘Oh wow.’ Beca chuckled. ‘How can I even top that that?’

‘You’ll find a way.’ Chloe grinned.

Beca shook her head in amusement and exasperation, turning back to the bar to grab a drink and join the girls at their table.

The two girls had made it back to the table to see the tail end of Amy’s rendition of a Justin Bieber song.

They clapped, as Amy left the stage with a ‘crushed it’, and let Stacie get on stage to sing ‘Freak like Me’.

‘I suppose I should go pick a song.’ Beca pushed herself out of her seat, going over to the Ipad connected to the karaoke machine where Aubrey was stood.

‘You and Chloe are getting along nicely…’ Aubrey said cautiously.

Beca nodded slowly, glancing over her shoulder at the redhead. ‘Erm, I guess?’

‘Look, just don’t start jumping into things if you’re not going to-‘

‘Wait what?’ Beca looked at her in complete confusion.

‘She didn’t tell you?’ Aubrey bit her lip. ‘Look, don’t worry. Forget what I said.’

The brunette stopped her from walking away. ‘No, what didn’t she tell me?’

‘I broke it off with Tom.’ Chloe appeared next to Beca.

‘Chlo. I-I’m sorry…’ Beca sighed, biting her lip hard enough that it hurt.

Chloe shook her head, and put a small smile on her face. ‘Beca-‘

‘Becs, your turn. Get up there.’ Stacie thrusted the mic into her hand, and pushed her towards the stage.

‘ _You've got a hold of me_

_Don't even know your power_

_I stand a hundred feet_

_But I fall when I'm around you’_ Beca sang, looking straight ahead of her.

It took Chloe a moment to realise what the song was, but once she had, her heart kind of got caught in her throat.

_‘Please have mercy on me_

_Take it easy on my heart_

_Even though you don't mean to hurt me_

_You keep tearing me apart_

_Would you please have mercy on me_

_I'm a puppet on your strings’_ Beca was now looking Chloe straight in the eyes, confidence building as she sang.

The redhead listened to the lyrics being sung at her. She was going to tell her, _she was._ But she’s scared. What does that mean for her and Beca? They’ve never had good timing, and now they were both here, they both had _feelings._

And, well, _feelings are dangerous._

Her focus went back on Beca, who was still singing the song, with more emotion than when she first started.

_‘Consuming all the air inside my lungs_

_Ripping all the skin from off my bones_

_I'm prepared to sacrifice my life_

_I would gladly do it twice_

_Consuming all the air inside my lungs_

_Ripping all the skin from off my bones_

_I'm prepared to sacrifice my life_

_I would gladly do it twice’_ Beca gripped the microphone, feeling like she was singing for her life. And maybe she was.

The DJ carried on singing, watching Chloe from the stage, wondering why she thought this was a good idea.

She was out of breath, and emotionally drained after the song finished, ignoring the applause as she left the stage and walked towards the redhead.

‘Chlo-‘ Beca started.


	6. I'm going to kiss you now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHHH!!!!!!!  
> I mean, what next?
> 
> You're welcome. (Sorry if this is absolutely awful, I'm a state lmao)  
> Love ya'll

‘You’re prepared to sacrifice your life?’ Chloe smirked, jokingly.

‘Duh.’ Beca shrugged. ‘I’d gladly do it twice…’

Chloe rolled her eyes playfully. ‘Cheeseball.’

Beca shrugged again in response, not entirely sure where the two of them stood with one another.

‘I’m going to kiss you now.’ Chloe said calmly.

Beca stopped still, her breath catching. ‘You’re what?’

Chloe stepped forward, not even bothering to reply before grabbing the shorter girl’s face in her hands, and kissing her softly.

The brunette relaxed into it a moment after, before realising what was happening, and pulled away quickly; Chloe’s hands still holding her face.

‘You shouldn’t-I mean.’ Beca stumbled through her words, biting her lip. ‘Do you want this? Me? The mess that this is sure to become?’

‘I wouldn’t have it any other way.’ The redhead told her confidently.

Beca let out a breath. ‘I’m scared.’

‘Me too.’ Chloe smiled softly, grabbing Beca’s hand. ‘Let’s go home and talk yeah?’

‘Yeah.’ Beca breathed, clutching Chloe’s hand as they left the bar.

\---

Beca sat on the edge of Chloe’s bed, staring at the photos on the wall. The photos of all the girls, photos of her and Chloe.

‘I don’t really understand what’s happening.’ Beca admitted. ‘I don’t really understand what happened in that time that we weren’t ‘us’, you know?’

‘That’s on me Becs. I should explain, I guess?’ Chloe shrugged, playing with her necklace.

She sat down on the bed next to Beca, starting to play with the hem of the girl’s shirt as she spoke. ‘When you told me you loved me, everything sort of got flipped upside down.’

‘You’re telling me.’ Beca smiled ruefully. ‘Sorry.’

‘I liked you. I liked you the minute we met, and once we got closer and closer it wasn’t just a ‘like’ anymore. But then, I had to be realistic. I mean, I had waited, I waited in case _maybe_ things could change. But they didn’t, so I forced myself to move on. And there was Tom.’ Chloe shrugged, taking a deep breath, as Beca pushed her hair out of her face. ‘And then there you were. Again. The _maybe_ had happened, except the timing wasn’t as perfect as I had expected.’

Beca chuckled, despite her watering eyes. ‘Yeah, I’m evidently not so good at the whole ‘timing’ thing.’

‘I could be marrying Tom; I could be in a safe relationship. But I couldn’t not take this chance.’ Chloe pulled Beca closer to her by her shirt. ‘I’m not sure I could’ve been truly happy without you.’

‘I just don’t want you to regret this.’ The brunette tensed up. ‘I don’t want us to do this, for you to realise it was a mistake.’

Chloe looked Beca dead in the eyes, and cupped her cheek with her hand. ‘I would never regret choosing my best friend, whom I am in love with.’

Beca nodded slowly. ‘You’re a dork.’

She leant forward so their lips were close enough that they could feel each other’s breath, and whispered. ‘And I love you.’

 


End file.
